Quotes by George Carlin

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Things you never hear. Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Meow means woof in cat.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in hell with the rest of your family.

It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.