Quotes by Bauvard

I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

If you want more development in your relationship, move to an urban area.

I don't believe in failure. I'm perseverant - I believe in failing.

I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.

Political debate: when charlatans come together to discuss their principles.

I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.

Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

I get a lot of big ideas, and occasionally I actually come up with one myself.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

Treat each other like human beings? But the other great apes have no class hierarchy.

When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.

Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Injuries heal, but wrinkles are the scars of time.

We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.

The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.

We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.

Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.

Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.

Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.

Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.

I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.

If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

A man is always devoted to something more tangible than a woman - the idea of her.

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.