I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.
I lacked the knowledge of linear perspective needed to get into the art school, so now I whitewash walls and imagine I’m heaven’s landscape painter.
Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.
Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.
When someone gives me either a democratic or republican pamphlet, I throw it in their face. I’m a librarian, damn it! We only take book donations.
Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.
Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.
Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.
I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.
I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.
Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.
The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.
Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.
