Quotes by Emo Philips

I love my cat. But it's not really the same kind of love.

I like to play chess with old men in the park. Although, it’s hard to find 32 of them.

I used to be a child. Then my parents threw me out.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B-negative.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Once I beat up the school bully with a baseball bat. Both his arms were completely broken, which is what gave me the courage.

A girl told me she was interested in me, but she meant she had money invested in me.

I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they're just as afraid of me.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don’t worry it’s not the end of the world.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!

I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don’t have that much time.

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way. So I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I think my ex-wife had weekly lessons with Satan on how to be more evil. I'm pretty sure I was married to Satan for six months.

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started until I've had that first, piping hot pot of coffee. Oh, I've tried other enemas.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.' So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye, and dragged it fifteen feet.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.

Some mornings, it’s just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

What is the difference between rain and sleet? Rain is confetti from the clouds, and sleet is broken Rice Krispies.