A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.
I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was quote so the last thing I said before I died would be unquote.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, Where the hell is my roof?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I went to a restaurant that serves breakfast at any time so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
