Quotes by Groucho Marx

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Room service. Send up a larger room.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them well I have others.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

A good friend calls you in jail. A great friend bails you out of jail. Your best friend sits next to you and says 'wasn't that fun?

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn’t necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know.

I don’t care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Traveling with friends is always a good idea. But I recommend keeping a shovel and an alibi handy just in case.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

I never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I drink to make other people interesting.

I've got the brain of a four-year-old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought, I’d rather dance with the cows until you come home.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I don’t want to belong to any club that would accept me as one of its members.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. So, get a lamp and a good book... and maybe a dog.

Hãy học từ sai lầm của người khác. Bạn sẽ không bao giờ sống đủ lâu để phạm phải tất cả sai lầm.

Ngoài con chó, sách là người bạn tốt nhất của con người. Trong con chó, quá tối để đọc.

Đằng sau mỗi người đàn ông thành công là một người phụ nữ, đằng sau nàng là vợ của anh ta.

Tôi thấy truyền hình rất có tính giáo dục. Mỗi khi ai đó bật ti vi lên, tôi lại sang phòng khác và đọc sách.

Hắn có thể trông như một thằng ngu và nói như một thằng ngu, nhưng đừng để điều đó lừa bạn. Hắn thực sự là thằng ngu đấy.

Nàng nhận được vẻ bề ngoài từ cha mình. Ông là bác sỹ thẩm mỹ.

Có người nói rằng hôn nhân cản trở sự lãng mạn. Không nghi ngờ gì. Mỗi khi bạn có một cuộc lãng mạn, thế nào vợ bạn cũng sẽ can thiệp.

Già đi không phải là vấn đề. Bạn chỉ cần sống đủ lâu mà thôi.

Bất cứ ai nói anh ta có thể hiểu thấu phụ nữ, rõ ràng đã bỏ lỡ quá nhiều.

Đây là những nguyên tắc của tôi, và nếu bạn không thích chúng... chậc, tôi còn những nguyên tắc khác.

Dù tiền bạc không mua được hạnh phúc, rõ ràng nó cho phép bạn tự lựa chọn hình thức thống khổ cho mình.

Tôi định sẽ sống mãi mãi, hoặc chết trong khi thử.

Kiêu căng là bãi cát lún của lý trí.

Tôi, không phải tình huống, có sức mạnh làm tôi hạnh phúc hay bất hạnh ngày hôm nay. Tôi có thể chọn nó sẽ thế nào. Ngày hôm qua đã chết. Ngày mai còn chưa tới. Tôi chỉ có một ngày, hôm nay, và tôi sẽ hạnh phúc với nó.

Cuộc sống là sự bốc đồng của vài tỷ tế bào muốn làm bạn trong chốc lát.

Điều đầu tiên mà tôi thấy quan tâm là tôi đã được sinh ra. Đó là những từ tuyệt diệu. Cuộc đời này, thứ mà cả thời gian lẫn sự vĩnh hằng đều không thể rút ngắn – linh hồn này, linh hồn bất diệt, đã bắt đầu. Tâm trí tôi lạc lối trong sự huyền diệu đó.